Yet another journal, I know.

Ignore this if you want guys, it's another rant.



But is it normal that I feel so out of place now?



I just can't shake these feelings of abnormality and uncertainty. I hate the fact that I'm so suddenly thrown into this new life, forced to carry on as if everything's normal. Look after my friends and my family, carry on being happy as if nothing happened last month. It doesn't even feel right that Christmas and New Year are around the corner. It won't be long until it's 2012, the first year in my life that I have to live without my stepfather. I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but my stepfather raised me as a child, practically, along with my real father. And I'm so frightened that this year will go to waste after what happened. But as much as I want to, I can't make myself happy. It's true, hanging around my family and my friends and dwelling myself amongst things that temporarily take the pain away are like my drugs and my alcohol, as dark as that thought is. They place me on a high for a day or so, but when left alone, the truth always catches up with me.



I can't be myself, because I'm not that girl anymore.



Guys, it pains me to say this, but... I might not be that girl you all know for possibly years to come. It's only been a month, but it's felt like eternity. I can't look at the place I used to live in anymore, because I will be forever reminded of Richard. And all my happiness started in that place I knew so well. I remember back in 2007 when I lived up north, and was crying as I wrote the journal about the fact that I was moving back to my birthplace. I remember writing how much I was going to miss my friends, I thought that my life would never be that good again. But that place I knew and loved, it changed me for the better. It was where everything began, my life changed so much, I built myself up into a young woman with her eyes on the stars and a heart willing to share with everyone. I loved that woman with all my heart and soul, so proud of who I was, thinking my rose-tinted world was the best thing that had happened to me.



When I found out I was moving yet again, that was when my world slowly began to shatter. Leaving that place was already sad enough, because I hate good-byes and I hate changes. But somehow I was still able to pin a smile on my face and push forward, because nothing bad had really happened. I still had those memories, didn't I?



But even after I considered my life to slowly fall back into place, my father calls me at 3:45am, on Friday the 18th of November, to tell me Richard's dead. The one man who was the person that put my life together. He loved us so much, he was tough and hard on me sometimes like a good parent should be, but he made me realise what life's about. And with that phone call, I had to say good-bye to my life. My life I loved had ended, and I didn't get my chance to say good-bye to Richard until the funeral, but even then, that didn't feel right.



And do I annoy everyone with how much I cry and go on about him and dwell in my sadness for too long? Naturally, I have a habit of kicking myself out of the darkness and back on track, but this neverending road just seems to get darker and dimmer.



In a nutshell, I don't feel right being me. I feel like this new, pitiful, sorrowful girl trapped in the body of the happy girl I was. I can't make myself smile, I can't make myself happy, I can't make myself forget everything. Being endulged in the life I had only reminds me that I don't have that life anymore. I don't feel like Berrywhitesnow or Amilyn Hunta now. I don't feel like I belong in this world, where everything carries on as if nothing's happened and I have to fight to keep up with that world, and I can't do it. I don't have the energy or the strength. I'm so terrified...

To everything I love and loved, forgive me. I don't mean for your actions to be in vain, but for a while, you might as well say good-bye to the Ami you knew.


Cos until the road of recovery, the light appears for me, I know I have. She'll return one day, but for now, she's just a shadow of who I used to be.  But I don't want to drive you guys away, this is just to aware you all. I'll still be as active on dA as I am now, cos I can't let myself vanish completely. I still have structures and standards pulling me through, keeping me going.

I apologise deeply for this journal, you guys. I don't mean to place all of this on you, but I just seriously need to cry and drop to my knees for a little while.